a new me

i wake up sometimes
thinking perhaps there was a different me
or would have been
if i hadn’t bashed his brains out
if i hadn’t broken his heart
and taken his dignity
and dragged it through the streets, bloody

but every time i think it
i grow older and older
and the me i see is older
sometimes wiser
sometimes worse

and of course you try to better yourself
and of course you lift your neighbors up
and of course you smile when you are tired
when you are right, but she needs to win
and you are smarter,
but too chicken to speak up
and you are tougher
but rougher too
so far that they think you a buffoon
or worse, a bore

when you are up and down and sideways twisted,
when you are blistered tongued and feeble
when you are so angry the fear no longer stops you,
overwhelmed by the underwhelming everywhere
i will lift you up, i tell myself
i will lift you up